Absence
by Reiizu
Summary: It's painful when Erwin leaves. / Oneshot, Eruri. crossposted on AO3


my first contribution to this fandom... i hope i didnt make them too ooc :/ enjoy! :)))

* * *

 **Absence**

-x-

Levi sits on the bed and watches silently as Erwin chooses a tie from the wardrobe.

"Want me to do it for you?" Levi offers, pushing himself off the bed. Erwin nods in thanks. Levi fumbles with the knot, his cold fingers shaking slightly. When he's done, Erwin pulls on his jacket and clips on his silver watch.

"Levi?" Erwin says, and Levi feels his knees quiver.

"Erwin." Levi replies, lifting his eyes up to meet Erwin's. He hopes his gaze is the same as always: strong, and rid of fear.

Erwin seems to hesitate for a bit, his lips drawn tightly. After a pause, he says in the softest voice: "I'll be fine."

And Levi curses inwardly, because of _course_ Erwin knew of his thoughts. It was Erwin after all.

Levi doesn't say anything in response, but that alone is response enough for Erwin.

With a briefcase in hand, Erwin leans down and presses a kiss on Levi's forehead.

' _It's only going to be a week._ ' Echoes in Levi's mind as Erwin closes the door behind him.

-x-

 _seven._

The first night isn't too bad. Levi makes himself pasta for dinner and settles down with a thick book that Erwin had bought him just a few days ago. When he feels his eyelids getting heavier, he puts the book aside and turns off the light.

Just like that, Levi falls asleep, surrounded by smell of Erwin's cologne.

-x-

 _six._

In the morning, when Levi's mind is still groggy with sleep, he rolls over and throws a leg out. Normally, the leg would latch onto Erwin's huge figure, and Levi would be able to catch a few more hours of sleep after nuzzling into Erwin's back.

But today his leg falls back onto the sheets, and his eyes fly open immediately.

Levi mutters a soft, " _Oh._ " And climbs out of bed slowly.

The day proceeds as normal. He brushes his teeth and munches on toast for breakfast while drinking aromatic tea.

At ten, he leaves the home and walks around the park, tuning out the shouts of the children nearby. At noon, he returns home. The daily newspaper is lying on their doorstep (like usual) and Levi picks it up (like usual).

"Erwin, the newspaper is-" Levi starts to call out (like usual) but he stops himself mid-sentence (unlike usual). He takes in a deep breath.

The newspaper is left forgotten on the breakfast table.

-x-

 _five._

When Levi wakes up, he tries his hardest to fall back asleep. He buries his head back in Erwin's pillow (he had started sleeping on Erwin's side since it felt warmer. He makes a note to request for a swap after Erwin's return).

Levi can almost _hear_ Erwin's voice in his ear, saying, _"Oh, you're awake. I've got a day off and it feels kind of lazy, do you want to just sleep in?"'_

And he thinks about the way that he'd reply: with a nonchalant, _"Okay."_

But since Erwin had never been one to just 'take a day off', even on public holidays, he'd probably get up after a few minutes or so to check the news, or sort their receipts. Which meant that Levi would get up too, with a displeased groan and a sarcastic, "I _love_ this lazy _day off._ "

It's only been a day, but to Levi, it feels like a year has passed.

-x-

Levi wraps himself tightly in the sheets but the smell of Erwin is very faint.

He suddenly feels very small and alone.

-x-

 _four._

Levi straightens the books on the bookshelf and arranges them neatly; books in a series are in order of first to last released; miscellaneous books are arranged from smallest (left) to biggest (right); atlases are placed so the spines create a picture of the world.

When lunch time arrives, he gets carried away and skips it. Instead, he categorizes the items in the pantry and shuffles them around so they are grouped together and look tidier.

It's around three o'clock when the worry sets in.

' _What if the plane crashed? Or some sort of accident happened on his way to the airport, his phone is smashed beyond repair and they don't know who to contact so he passes away and I won't ever learn of it?_ '

Levi knows these things will never happen, that Erwin will be safe on his business trip, and that he's just acting weird.

But still.

' _What if he finally finds 'The One' and decides to stay?'_

-x-

Levi should've just turned around and left when he saw Hange jumping up and down ecstatically, screaming, "LEVIIIII!", and Mike's impassive gaze in his direction.

But he'd stayed.

A couple of drinks wouldn't hurt anyone.

-x-

 _three._

Levi swears (for the 28th time in his life) to never go drinking with Mike and Hange again – Hange, who encourages irresponsible behaviour and blabbers too much when drinking, and Mike, who just sits and listens and doesn't stop your irresponsible behaviour.

Another wave of loneliness hits Levi when he wakes up because _Erwin_ would've told him to stop. _Erwin_ would've said, "You'll get yourself a massive hangover and you'll be in so much pain in the morning. _Don't buy another round._ "

He toughs out the headache but throws up a couple of times. When he goes to get the newspaper, he sways a little bit. The sun is a bit too bright for his liking and it takes a while for his eyes to adjust. He can't help but squint when he bends down to pick up the newspaper.

Levi's not hungry so he sips at his tea while reading the newspaper. His eyes run over the words, but none of them are processed.

Instead, his mind is once again occupied by his worries, which seemed to always end in one resounding question:

 _What if Erwin never comes back?_

-x-

It takes longer for Levi to fall asleep this night. The sheets no longer smell like Erwin; instead, it smells dank and musty. The room seems too dark, as if something were lurking in the corners. And it feels impossible to find a position comfortable enough to sleep in.

Eventually, Levi doesn't know when, he falls asleep, the deafening sound of silence filling his ears.

-x-

 _two._

The pillow is damp in the morning.

-x-

At one o'clock, Levi pulls out his cleaning gear.

He cleans the house once, twice, three times. He vacuums, mops, then mops and vacuums. Things are dusted even when they had no dust on them. The grout in the bathroom is scrubbed until white is consistent.

The house sparkles when he's done and he moves on to making himself dinner.

After scooping some delicious stew into a bowl, Levi picks it up without any hesitation. Almost immediately, he drops it, his hand stung by the heat.

Hot stew splatters onto his foot but he doesn't react. His eyes fixate on the shattered pieces of the bowl. He waits for the alarmed shouts. He waits for, "Levi, what happened?" and, "Damn, I hope there were no potatoes caught in that accident."

It doesn't come.

-x-

Levi tries his hardest to sleep that night. But before he knows it, sunlight is streaking into the room.

-x-

 _one._

Levi is awake but his body is not. He is aware of the constricting pain in his throat. But he is even more aware of the creature standing in the corner of the room. He can feel its presence, but it refuses to reveal itself.

Levi swears he can hear the gnashing of teeth. He tries to lift his arm, but it sticks close to his side.

His heart beats faster as it draws nearer. He blinks, and in that split moment the creature moves to his side. He can't see it, but Levi can _feel_ the leer that scars its lips.

Never had Levi felt so vulnerablebefore.

-x-

He doesn't eat anything substantial. His stomach growls, but he tells it to go away. The house feels too big. It doesn't feel right.

Levi doesn't feel right, either. He tries to do the crossword in the newspaper, but he can't concentrate at all. His mind wanders to different topics, not always related to Erwin.

The phone rings at around nine at night. Levi leaps up to get it, his heart pounding painfully in his chest.

When he sees that it's just Hange, he flings the phone at the wall.

It smashes, and he screams a tide of profanities. It's not directed at anyone in particular. He spends the night breaking more items around the house, hurling pillows at the ground and slamming fist after fist into the wall.

Levi doesn't feel angry. He definitely isn't _happy._ But he isn't sad, either.

No, Levi would later describe it simply as a feeling of _emptiness._ Nothing. Where he'd felt like crying, but no tears had come to his eyes, and he didn't particularly feel like crying after all.

-x-

 _zero._

The clock ticks agonisingly slow. Levi sits directly under the clock for two hours, watching the hands tick, second after second.

He makes a valiant effort to stay awake, however his mind doesn't last for long. At eleven, he crawls to Erwin's wardrobe almost unconsciously. Surrounded by the scent of home, Levi falls asleep.

-x-

Levi is stirred from sleep by the sound of the door closing and heavy footsteps. His heart lightens almost immediately. He waits patiently inside the wardrobe, his fingers stroking the smooth touch of silk.

The doors open a minute later.

"You found me." Levi lets out a sigh, a small smile spilling over his lips.

"This is where you were hiding last time, and it's where you hide every time I'm gone, so." Erwin shrugs, putting his briefcase to the side.

They don't move. Their eyes, focused only on each other, convey a weeks' worth of unspoken affection.

At last, Erwin says, "I'm home."

And Levi doesn't say anything in response, but then again, they had never really needed words to understand each other.


End file.
